I can’t believe it has been six months. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and other times it seems like last week. I have hard days and easy days. Not a day has gone by when I haven’t seen a pregnant woman at work or someone on facebook that had or is having a baby. Everytime I feel sick to my stomach and try to swallow the tears. I could not have imagined how hard this is. I know it is just our world, we live in a reproductive society. I WILL be faced with it everyday. What matters is how I use the emotions that come with not being able to have my own child. The grief, the loss the ache in my stomach. Am I going to allow them to control me and ruin relationships or am I going to use them to show God’s grace and love? It would be easier to let them control me, and be a mess all the time.
There is a song that I hear on K-Love a lot by a female artist Plumb the song is called ‘How many times’, it is such an amazing song that I am using for part of my new tattoo the lyrics are:
Well, everybody’s got a story to tell. And everybody’s got a wound to be healed. I want to believe there’s beauty here. So, I guess you’re tired of holding on. I can’t let go, I can’t move on. I want to believe there’s meaning here. How many times have you heard me cry out “God please take this? How many times have you given me strength to Just keep breathing. Oh I need you God, I need you now. Standing on a road I didn’t plan Wondering how I got to where I am I’m trying to hear that still small voiceI’m trying to hear above the noise Chorus Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows And I, I am so afraid Please stay, please stay right beside me With every single step I take How many times have you heard me cry out? And how many times have you given me strength? I need you now, I need you now.
The part that speaks to me is ‘how many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?’ That is how I feel everyday, that God is giving me just enough strength to keep breathing. However, lately, God has been showing me so much about what He has planned for me, and that He has a purpose for my story. My dear friend Heather Joy and I have decided to start a womens ministry/group called Word Up. Our desire is to create a community of women who meet regularly with a common purpose : to read God’s Word , to encourage one another in our personal walks with God , and to be a safe place to not only give but recieve edification. We will also be starting a blog to share what we have been talking about as well as a way to encourage eachother throughout the week. God has given me a desire to share my story with women and to be an encouragement and testament to the faith and strength that He has given me.
I am so thankful for Gary. He is such a gift from God. He doesn’t allow me to get caught up in all the negatives and encourages me to pursue the talents God has given me. I am also thankful for all of my family and friends that have provided support. The verse below is a reminder for me, that God has a plan, that for me might not include being a Mother. I need be satisfied in Him, not my ability to bear children, or anything else that the world would have to offer me.
Psalm 17: 13-15
13 Arise, O Lord! Confront him, subdue him!;Deliver my soul from the wicked by your sword,from men by your hand, O Lord, ;from men of the world whose portion is in this life. You fill their womb with treasure; they are satisfied withchildren,and they leave their abundance to their infants. As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.