First, I just need to thank everyone who has been helping us get through this. We have so much support and it has been so nice to know that I have so many people to go to, whether it’s a coffee date with my Mom, or sewing for hours on end with my friend Erin, or just a phone conversation with other friends and family.
It’s hard sometimes to remember that this is real… I will never have babies…Gary and I will never have biological children…when I realize or have moments of “realness” I have mixed emotions. For the most part my heart drops, then I tear up a little, then I have a hot flash LOL, then I thank God. Thanking Him is hard to do sometimes, but then I remember that my identity is not in ‘this’ (my ability to have children, my ”being a whole woman”, being able to bear children for my husband..etc). My identity is in Jesus, that means that all of ‘this’ is bigger than my little world, my whisp of time on this earth. Clearly God has a lot more going on for Gary and I than to have our biological children.
I saw a counselor this week, well actually two counselors. I realized a lot in talking with them. I realized I have permission to grieve…what permission?? At one point one of them asked me “Caitie, how long did you think this process was going to take?” I answered honestly “Two weeks or so..?” Seriously, I was kidding myself big time. I try not to let things bother me, get over them quickly because I think, well used to think, that by not getting ”over it” I would only be letting other people down, or I would think I was making it a bigger deal than it really was.
I guess what I am trying to say, it that I realize that it wont be over it in two weeks, and I am OK with that. –Deep Sigh Of Relief–
English Standard Version (ESV)
Give Thanks to the Lord
138 I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods I sing your praise;
2 I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.[a]
3 On the day I called, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.[b]
4 All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
for they have heard the words of your mouth,
5 and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
for great is the glory of the Lord.
6 For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,
but the haughty he knows from afar.
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.