First, I just need to thank everyone who has been helping us get through this. We have so much support and it has been so nice to know that I have so many people to go to, whether it’s a coffee date with my Mom, or sewing for hours on end with my friend Erin, or just a phone conversation with other friends and family.
It’s hard sometimes to remember that this is real… I will never have babies…Gary and I will never have biological children…when I realize or have moments of “realness” I have mixed emotions. For the most part my heart drops, then I tear up a little, then I have a hot flash LOL, then I thank God. Thanking Him is hard to do sometimes, but then I remember that my identity is not in ‘this’ (my ability to have children, my ”being a whole woman”, being able to bear children for my husband..etc). My identity is in Jesus, that means that all of ‘this’ is bigger than my little world, my whisp of time on this earth. Clearly God has a lot more going on for Gary and I than to have our biological children.
I saw a counselor this week, well actually two counselors. I realized a lot in talking with them. I realized I have permission to grieve…what permission?? At one point one of them asked me “Caitie, how long did you think this process was going to take?” I answered honestly “Two weeks or so..?” Seriously, I was kidding myself big time. I try not to let things bother me, get over them quickly because I think, well used to think, that by not getting ”over it” I would only be letting other people down, or I would think I was making it a bigger deal than it really was.
I guess what I am trying to say, it that I realize that it wont be over it in two weeks, and I am OK with that. –Deep Sigh Of Relief–
English Standard Version (ESV)
Give Thanks to the Lord
138 I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods I sing your praise;
2 I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.[a]
3 On the day I called, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.[b]
4 All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
for they have heard the words of your mouth,
5 and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
for great is the glory of the Lord.
6 For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,
but the haughty he knows from afar.
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.
I went to my oncologist last week for a check up and found out that everything was benign as well as the tumors were not estrogen sensitive so I can take estrogen which will control most menopause symptoms! We are doing so well and my body is healing really well. The hard part right now is to remember that my body is still healing and not to over do it, I actually popped a stitch a couple of days ago and had to go to the Dr.’s office to have him fix it….oops. I am so ready to start being active and being a playful Aunt again, but I have to take it easy. I go back to work in a couple of weeks, I am ready but nervous. I know a lot of the regulars will be asking where I went, I am not sure yet how I will respond, there is a line of honesty and privacy, not sure where that lies. I have a lot of questions to work through and hopefully I will get there by the time I go back to work. I found this great website http://www.hystersisters.com, where women can share their stories and talk about their recovery, it has been really helpful, I found out that almost 150 other women had a hysterectomy the same day I did. I am not even close to alone. I am so thankful for my friends and families. Even friends that I haven’t met yet, that I have found through blogs and websites. God is so great and is blessing me daily with everyone who cares and is showing love to Gary and I.
English Standard Version (ESV)
Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent
71 In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame!
2 In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
incline your ear to me, and save me!
3 Be to me a rock of refuge,
to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.
5 For you, O Lord, are my hope,
my trust, O Lord, from my youth.
6 Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
you are he who took me from my mother’s womb.
My praise is continually of you.
7 I have been as a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
and with your glory all the day.
9 Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
forsake me not when my strength is spent.
10 For my enemies speak concerning me;
those who watch for my life consult together
11 and say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue and seize him,
for there is none to deliver him.”
12 O God, be not far from me;
O my God, make haste to help me!
13 May my accusers be put to shame and consumed;
with scorn and disgrace may they be covered
who seek my hurt.
14 But I will hope continually
and will praise you yet more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
of your deeds of salvation all the day,
for their number is past my knowledge.
16 With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come;
I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.
17 O God, from my youth you have taught me,
and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
18 So even to old age and gray hairs,
O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
your power to all those to come.
19 Your righteousness, O God,
reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
O God, who is like you?
20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
you will bring me up again.
21 You will increase my greatness
and comfort me again.
22 I will also praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praises to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy,
when I sing praises to you;
my soul also, which you have redeemed.
24 And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long,
for they have been put to shame and disappointed
who sought to do me hurt.